Friday, March 06, 2009

Wedding Planning is Hard...

Wedding planning is hard. As in frustrating. As in anxiety-making. But not for the reasons you might expect. For the most part, our parents have been fine so far. A few nudges and prods here and there, but nothing like the stories I've heard of other parents involvement in weddings.


Scott and I are fine. We've had a few tense moments where one of us had one idea and the other something else, but mostly these have been resolved without furor.

No, it's me. Somehow, I feel like I should be enjoying this a lot more. Take tonight - we were working on the invites, just playing around with images and layout (like the image above, a favorite from the lovely Johanna Wright) and this...this...anxiety just creeps up out of nowhere and just about strangles me. I get controlling and unable to listen to Scott and want to cry. All of the sudden, I didn't want to deal with invites, I didn't want to deal with guest lists, I just wanted to put it all in a box and make someone else deal with it.

I don't really get it. Like I said, on the scale of weddings, this is not a crazy-making one. This feels more like...something having to do with me. Cold feet? That doesn't feel right. I dunno...It feels more like...fear of being the center of attention. Fear of not getting it right, not getting it perfect. Fear of everyone's expectations and also not really knowing what it is that I really want. Fear that the invites will turn out lame or the decorations childish-looking, and somehow the beauty and wonder of the whole event will be diminished. 

Also, old fears of not being girly enough. The tug-of-war between scoffing at anything girly and also, secretly, quietly, wanting it very badly. Feeling completely lost in all this wedding planning and also like I should know what I'm doing because, afterall, I'm a girl, right? 

I just don't know how to do all this. I want to both have a smashing wedding and also retreat into the corner and let it happen to someone else.

Anyway, just rambling here. Not really looking for an answer. Just kind of wandering among the trees dragging my blankie behind me and kicking at rocks. Sigh.

7 comments:

crankopotamus said...

HUUUUUUUGS

rebekah said...

also hugs. you know we all love you & engineer very, very much.

A Work In Progress.. said...

planning our wedding was the most stressful time ever in our relationship, even more than bringing a baby home, or moving! Not sure why, but it's hard! Hang in there, and take some "days off" from planning when you can!

Jana said...

this is why we picked a venue, demanded 0 guests, and then let my mom take over. ;) holler if there's anything friends can do to help.

DarkyRose said...

I completely know how you are feeling, sister. I felt the same way. I was pretty okay with my mom taking the lead on a lot of things. But I stood my ground on some things I know that I wanted. It's okay to be girly and its more than okay to be stressed. I was stressed practically our entire engagement. But do follow the advice from "a work in progress" and demand that you take some days off. Push it out of your mind. And when you think of random things that need to be done, write it down! That helped me a lot...to get things out of my mind and on paper so it wouldn't be forgotten. Call me if you want any help or just want to talk :)

Emma C said...

Aw, you guys are the bestest. Thanks... :)

tricky said...

you ARE perfect.